Friday, January 16, 2004
My arms are empty
OK. So honestly, I am seriously sad right now. Why? Well, in a few short weeks will be my first ue date. And I know when that day comes my arms will still be empty. I thought that the grief I felt would ease over time and it had. But lately all I can think about is that little baby that I will never see. I know that it was meant to happen exactly the way that it did..I know I am still young and have plenty of time...I know that atleast now I know I can conceive and I know that everything happens for a reason. But you know what...I find no comfort in that. All I know for sure is that I have no baby...not even one growing inside of me. I try to convince myself that there will be other times...other chances. And you know what...that very well maybe true...but it still doesn't ease this pain that I have. I look around me and see that everyone else has seemed to moved on...like they forgot about my little baby...my baby that WAS growing side of me...that was a physical part of me. I don't know why all of a sudden I have felt this way, but it just seems to get worse as each day goes by. I just wish that I could fast forward through Feb. 27th. Or that I could rewind to June and just not get pregnant in the first place. But I can't. I know that God has a plan and I know that He knows what is best for me. But I as a human can't even phathom why this had to happen. Why me? Why anyone? I just wish I knew the answers to my questions. But I know if that were the case then I would be God and I wasn't made to be Him. Hopefully, in time my heart won't ache so much. That it will heal itself. In time...
I'm sorry to hear of your pain. Maybe having been picked as a top journal will give you some consolation since you can share your grief with a larger group and find wider support.
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