Friday, August 22, 2008
I took the kids to "school" this morning. Before the car was ever in park Jon Kent starts crying. I told myself over and over that I HAD to make him go. He has to learn there is a world outside of me and outside of our small circle of friends and family. He HAS to learn. His 2 year old sister has learned it and has LOVED it, so he needs to as well. He cries all the way down the hall and into the room. Once we are in the room he starts getting louder and louder. I'm trying to fill the drop off paper work as quickly as I can, so that I can get out of there and removed myself from the situation. Hoping it would calm him down. I kissed him on the forehead and told him to go play and kissed Zoey and told her bye. By the time I got through the door to leave he was SCREAMING and SCREECHING and stomping his feet and flinging his arms. As I walked down the hall other teachers were opening their doors, looking out to see what in the world was going on. I gave an embarrassed smiled and kept on walking. I got outside to my car (it was parked near the door) and could still faintly hear him. I felt like the absolute worst mother in the world for 2 reasons.. 1) I just left my first born screaming and probably feeling abandoned and 2) I was mad at him for embarrassing me and making this seemingly easy thing so hard. He knew he was going, he said he wanted to go, said he wasn't going to cry, knew I was going to pick him up later, etc. He knew all of this and still just loses it. It makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing. Or if all the things in the past I did were wrong by making him need me so much, by not letting them spread their wings more. But how can that be when Zoey loves going and loves doing new and different things, with or without me. I know it has a lot to do with personality but good gravy.. I don't know. It just wasn't a good morning.