Regrets

I can honestly say that I don't have many regrets in my life.  But the most recent regret that I have is this:  Right after my miscarriage I had all this time where I could have grieved with full support of my family and friends.  With full attention from my family and friends.  But I thought the sooner I just try and put everything behind me the better off I will be.  At first it was fine, because I knew that at that time trying for another baby was out of the question...atleast until my body healed.  Well, it seems as my body healed, my heart didn't.  My regret is not grieving then.  Cause now its hard to without people thinking, "Is she not over it already?"  No, I'm not over it, no I can't move on so easily.  I never even got to know what my baby was, I never got to hold my baby.  I never got to make memories with my child.  I think that's what makes it hardest.  If someone you loves dies, you have memories to look back on and cherish.  But with miscarriages you don't.  All you have is emptiness.  That's all...no memories.  Just emptiness.

  Today my MIL started talking about someone that I know having another baby, her 5th to be exact and how it was a surprise.  I said that I didn't want to talk about it.  I don't know if she heard me or not but still...she then goes on to tell how this lady's husband was suppose to get fixed but at the last minute chickened out.  And 6 weeks later she is pregnant.  So I get the bright idea to come home and take a pregnancy test.  STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!  It comes back negative.  I'm seriously hoping that I tested too soon.  But I doubt it.  I know God has a purpose for everything and that everything has it's time...but that doesn't mean I understand that.  All I understand is that I am hurting and that I long for the baby I had.  I long for any baby.  I long not to hurt anymore...  I then feel guilty for longing for these things.  Cause I feel like I am not trusting God the way I am sursposed to.  I just hope things clear up soon.  I just hope that someday I look back on this and can see why things happened...