Friday, January 16, 2004

My arms are empty

OK.  So honestly, I am seriously sad right now.  Why?  Well, in a few short weeks will be my first ue date.  And I know when that day comes my arms will still be empty.  I thought that the grief I felt would ease over time and it had.  But lately all I can think about is that little baby that I will never see.  I know that it was meant to happen exactly the way that it did..I know I am still young and have plenty of time...I know that atleast now I know I can conceive and I know that everything happens for a reason.  But you know what...I find no comfort in that.  All I know for sure is that I have no baby...not even one growing inside of me.  I try to convince myself that there will be other times...other chances.  And you know what...that very well maybe true...but it still doesn't ease this pain that I have.  I look around me and see that everyone else has seemed to moved on...like they forgot about my little baby...my baby that WAS growing side of me...that was a physical part of me.  I don't know why all of a sudden I have felt this way, but it just seems to get worse as each day goes by.  I just wish that I could fast forward through Feb. 27th.  Or that I could rewind to June and just not get pregnant in the first place.  But I can't.  I know that God has a plan and I know that He knows what is best for me.  But I as a human can't even phathom why this had to happen.  Why me?  Why anyone? I just wish I knew the answers to my questions.  But I know if that were the case then I would be God and I wasn't made to be Him.  Hopefully, in time my heart won't ache so much.  That it will heal itself.  In time... 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. Maybe having been picked as a top journal will give you some consolation since you can share your grief with a larger group and find wider support.